Major Dad Fan Fiction!

Hey gang!

This is my first attempt at writing fan fiction for one of the greatest TV shows ever made. Ever.

Major Dad
“Weekend at Gunny’s”

SCENE:

(Camp Pendleton, General Craig’s office)

The Major, Lt. Gene “Holowachuk”, and Gunny sit in the office busily typing. Gene and Gunny look especially harried.

Major: Lt. Holowachuk, what’s the matter?
Lt. Holowachuk: Oh, nothing Major. I’m just nervous about this weekend.
Major: Big Cinco de Mayo plans?

(Audience laughter)

Lt. Holowachuk: No, Major. Gunny and the General and I are going to the field to do some training this weekend.
Major: Oh, working on your tennis game?

(Audience laughter)

Gunny: No Major, the General seems to think that the office has gotten…well…soft, sir.
Major: Soft?
Gunny: Well, Holowachuk did forget to wear pants on Tuesday!

(Audience roars with laughter)

Major: Lt, how did you forget to wear pants?
Holowachuk: Well, someone called and asked me if my dryer was running. I told him it was…and then he said, “Well, go get it!” I took off to go find it, and after two blocks, I was here!
Major: I guess I should be glad you weren’t doing your whites! We can’t handle another Tailhook scandal!

(Audience laughs and appreciates the topical humor of the Tailhook scandal that occurred in September of 1991)

General: Did someone say Tailhook!?!

(Audience whoops at General’s arrival)
Major: No sir, we were just discussing…fishing lures.

(Audience laughs)

General: Gunny, Lt. are we ready to leave? It’s 0900 hours!
Gunny: Yes sir.
Holowachuk: Actually sir, could we get breakfast?
Gunny: I thought you pack a breakfast, Gene.
Holowachuk: I didn’t today.
Major: (whispers to Holowachuk) Did they ask you if your refrigerator was running?
Holowachuk: Yes sir.

(Major shakes head in disbelief, Crowd roars with laughter…cue opening music)



SCENE:

Generic camping site. General and Holowachuk are slumped over on each other. Gunny is excitedly and energetically marching around.

Gunny: Hut, two, three, four…hut, two, three, four
Holowachuk: (looking up in a daze) hut hut hike! I’m going deep Elway!

(Audience Laughter)

Gunny: Come now General, Lt. We have 3 more miles to go!
General: 3 more miles! That can’t be right!
Gunny: Well if Holowachuk hadn’t lost his shoe in that Poison Oak patch…
Holowachuk: (scratching his back with his M-16) I’m so itchy!
Gunny: I hope you don’t have an “itchy” trigger finger Gene.

(Audience Laughter)

General: We’ve got to get to that camp site. One of the joint chiefs will be there, he’s deciding whether or not to shut down the base!

(Audience gasps)

Holowachuk: We’d better get there!

(Fade out as the three march away, pixilated fade in to next scene)

SCENE:

Campsite. General and Holowachuk slumped over. Gunny is setting up the elaborate tent.

Holowachuk: Looks great Gunny! It only took you 3 minutes to do that!
Gunny: Well, I would’ve gotten it done sooner but I had to get it back from that bear you fed it to.

(Audience laughter)

Holowachuk: Yeah, sorry about that.

(Audience laughter)

Gunny: Well, General. We’re all set for when the joint chief gets here. General? Are you asleep?

(Camera pans to General, he’s lying still on the ground sucking on his thumb. Audience ROARS with laughter. People can’t believe this is actually happening!)

Gunny: General?
Holowachuk: General? (he says while shaking him)
Gunny: Is he?
Holwachuk: Dead!

(Audience Gasps. Fade out to commercial.)

SCENE:

McGillis household. Polly, Major, and Robin are sitting at the kitchen table playing gin rummy.

Major: Gin!
Polly and Robin: Oh!
Major: I win again! Now drop and give me 20! Ha Ha Ha!

(Audience Laughter)

Polly: Robin, I think we have to get you a training bra soon!
Major: (obviously disturbed) Oh come on now! I’m a staunch conservative. I stand for law and order. I’m uptight, and you’re liberal and nutty Polly! We’re like peanut butter and tuna, we shouldn’t work.
Polly: But we do, John. We do.
Major: I love you.
Polly: I love you, Major.
Robin: Oh brother!

(Audience laughter)

SCENE:

Back at the campsite. Gunny and Holowachuk are pacing nervously. General is slumped in the corner, dead.

Holowachuk: What are we going to do? What are we going to do? The joint chief gets here in 20 minutes.
Gunny: Now calm down Gene, calm down. I have a plan to save the base!

(Fade out, fade in to scene)

SCENE:

Campsite. General is propped up at a table playing cards. His eyes are covered by dark sunglasses. Gunny and Holowachuk sit at the table.

Holowachuk: This has GOT to work Gunny!
Gunny: I think it will Gene, I think it will.

ENTER JOINT CHIEF

(Gunny and Gene stand up, revealing a rope tied to Gene’s leg that pulls the General up like a marionette. Audience Laughter)

Gunny and Holowachuk: Good afternoon, sir.
Joint Chief: At ease. Pleasure to see you again General. You’re looking well.

(Audience laughter, because of course, he isn’t looking well)

Holowachuk: Oh, sorry sir. The General was stung by a swarm of bees in his mouth, so he can’t talk today.
Joint Chief: Stung in his mouth?
Gunny: Oh yes, sir. You can’t find honey in those hives! And if you do, don’t put your mouth against it!
Joint Chief: that’s good advice Gunnery Sgt. We don’t want another Tailhook!

(audience laughter)

Joint Chief: Well, as you know. We need to close a base. Why shouldn’t we close yours?

Holowachuk: (Excusing himself, forgets the rope is tied to the General…pops the General out of his seat. Audience laughter.) Excuse me, sir. I need to go…um…you know.
Joint Chief: Use the can?
Holowachuk: Yes sir.
(Holowachuk leaves)

Joint Chief: Well, Gunnery Sgt. Why shouldn’t I close this base.
Gunny: Well, sir, it might not look like much. But no troops in this country are as hardworking, dedicated, and well prepared as these troops at this base.
(General’s body slumps down. Head hits the table. Audience Laughter.)
Joint Chief: I see.

Enter a giant bear.

Joint Chief: Oh my, it’s a giant bear!
Gunny: (smiling to herself) I’ll take care of this sir. (Gunny grabs a stick and starts swinging at the bear singing the Marine Anthem.)
Holowachuk: (leans head out of a nearby bush, body in a bear costume) Gunny! Gunny! I couldn’t find the bear costume head!
Gunny: Gulp!

(Audience laughter)

(Gunny swings the stick and the bear leaves)

Joint Chief: Well done, Gunnery Sgt! I’m going to keep your base open!

(Helicopter descends and picks up Joint Chief. Holowachuk comes out of the bushes in partial bear costume)

Holowachuk: That was a close one.
Gunny: Yes it was, but we saved the base.
(General, still tied to Holowachuk’s leg flies up out of the seat. Audience laughter. Cut to commercial)

SCENE:

Dark room, marine barracks. Lights come up. Holowachuk sits up in bed.

Holowachuk: What a crazy dream! I’m sure glad that the General isn’t really dead.

(Audience laughs that they’ve been duped.)

Holowachuk: I’m thirsty! (gets up, walks to the sink. Turns on light in kitchen. In the kitchen…A giant bear! Audience roars with laughter. Holowachuk walks to the sink gets his water. Turns off the light and returns to his bedroom.)

Holowachuk: Wait, was that? (Holowachuk stands up to walk into the kitchen…then shakes his head) Nahh! (Turns off light, Audience Laughter)

THE END